I have been with my husband for over years, married for one year. Together we have two small children and one on the way but as of lately I cannot deal with the stress anymore. I keep thinking that the addiction will get better and one day he will change ans become a better person. He does things like spend all his money on his addiction, spend more time with his friends gettting high than with his own family. I pay all the bills in the house and I am the main caregiver for the children even though we are together. Just today he got over 2700 dollars and has been gone all day while me and the kids have been here waiting on him to come back and get us since 9 this morning. He steals from me, lies to me and has become so very selfish. All he can think about is getting high and how to get over on people to get high. I just dont know what to do anymore and I dont have the strength to keep crying everday.
Should I leave my husband because of his drug addiction?
Question posted by mm2012 on 19 Jan 2012
Last updated on 2 October 2019 by Shazzg
20 Answers
Sounds like he can't and won't stop he's depriving you and your children leave him, time is a healer and your children won't grow up thinking this is ok behaviour and their mum will be happier so will their mum x good luck
Until he is ready to change he will not change. I should know I have been clean for just over 4 years. I have a wife and 3 children that I put hell. I went into treatment for 9 months and stayed for a year. The spouse and family also have to get help for it to work. My opinion is you must separate get your life together then move back in together. It can be done I did it on 9 dollars an hour plus my wife also works. I make twice that now and sometimes think how the hell did we make that work but we did. If someone wants it bad enough they will make a way. Do not give in to the thousands of excuses and guilt trips. That's why its important that you both receive help.
Please watch Paradise Unraveled, it can be rented at the library. Was a life savor for me.
Also look up Alnon meetings in your area. They are the most welcoming group of people so dont be nervous or afraid. You need them and they are there for you.
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I've been with my husband for 12 years. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage and we have 2 small daughters. He has been to rehab 3 times the most recent was a couple years ago. Well, he has started back again with those prescription pills. He won't get out of bed. He won't work, or anything else without pills. We are living with my mother now because we were supposed to be renovating our home. But he won't even do that. I have no job, can not find one. I'm so beyond sick of this. I do not know what to do. I love him and I want this marriage to work but I feel so neglected and unloved. I don't really have any advice, only I understand how u feel. I'm totally lost.
I know exactly what you are going through. I have 1 grown child and a younger child, they are truly my life. I have a husband that can't keep a steady job because he is high half the time and doesn't have the strength to get up the next morning and go to work to provide for his family. I have a full-time job , although it is not enough to pay rent, groceries and bills. I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I tell him that if he doesn't stop I will take the kids and leave or that I want him out. He tells me to leave because he knows i don't have any money and don't have where to go. I can't take my kids and live on the street. I have 3 sisters but am too embarrassed for them to know what I an going through plus I owe all of them money as well. I have been going through this for the last 19 years and don't know how much longer I can take it.
I can't even afford to pay my bills or buy myself anything because everything I make to for bills and to make sure my kids always have food on the table.. I find myself asking my co-workers and employer for loans until payday so that we can survive. I hate myself for sticking around so long and why I don't have the courage to pick up and just leave him just like he has left us many nights alone . Any advise would be soooo appreciated.
It will ALL stop when you leave.
The best thing I can tell you is run now while you still can. Think of your little ones first. I was there a few years back. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you, it will get ugly. Your life will change the instant you leave. You don't want your kids to see you cry. We don't know how strong we are until we have to be. Trust me on this. I wish the best for you and your kids.
I know this has been almost 4 years ago but I know exactly how you feel :(
I just stumbled upon this and wanted to let you know I also know how this feels as I'm in the middle of it myself.
I also know this pain all too well. I've stolen from, lied to, and manipulated so many times that I'm embarrassed of myself. I've always believed that marriage is for better or worse, but tonight he sealed the deal. He stole our children's Christmas presents to pay for his drugs. The kids aren't even biologically mine. Their mother is worse off than my husband, and i have been their sole provider for years. They are all old enough to know what is happening and are scared to death that they won't get to stay with me if (when) we do divorce. He knows they are my weakness, and his lifeline for a free ride. I love them just as much as my bio-kids. I can't imagine my life without them. Heartbreaking to say the least.
I am so sorry to hear this and going through the same thing as you. My husband has been off and on drugs for 10 years. I just recently put him out and finally have some peace in my life. I think that since both father and mother are on drugs and you have been the sole provider a judge would grant you custody.
I don't know about anyone else but I AM leaving mines!!! Too much time,money wasted trying to make someone who only love is DRUGS love you. I can't compete and I only have one life to live and he took 7 of those years. I been on a roller coaster ride since I met him and I HATE riding... #fallinginlovewithme
im having a same problem, i have 5 kids and we've been together for 16 years, i don't know what to do anymore, it's hard for me to move out because i still love him, hes doing drugs when he's at work, I've talked to him so many times to please stop, and it looks like he's getting worse, everytime i tried to talk to him about it he just turned his back and ignore my advice, he's been doing it for 7 years now, and im struggling and i can't afford a place of my own with my five children, i cant leave without them, everything comes out if his mouth is all lies, i work full time as a janitor and have side jobs trying to put food on our table and support my kids for all the school programs they are involved in, i cried everyday, i just don't know what to do anymore and I totally understand how you feel, it hurts so much,
I Am In the same boat almost the same story, What did you end up doing?
I was reading your comment and I instantly felt like I was reading about my life I was going through exact same thing I too was also married for 16 years have five children and husband was using drugs for seven years as well Are used to have several talks about are used to have several talks with to quit I even ask him it’s either me or your children his answer was “I can’t stop because I like the way it makes me feel I can’t tell you how much that broke my heart it’s like he wanted his family and his drug life...
I couldn’t take it anymore he lived with his family for 16 years he never wanted to get his own house his family used to support him Never taught him what responsibility was never put their foot down when he was in the wrong days to hand them out money even though they know what it was going on I’m not judging them my pointing fingers at his parents because I know why they used to give her money because he would threaten to vandalize the cars and their house if they didn’t All five of my kids are hurt including the little ones even though I thought in my mind the little ones were too young to understand but they know exactly what was going on he made several car accidents for DWI for taking narcotics while driving he has violated his probation I tried everything in my nature to help him quit talk to him about getting help talk to him about going to church to give his life to God I even told him that her children are getting big now it’s time to stop it’s been too long but nothing has change so I finally woke up to reality that my kids out of there and left I feel bad for my two teenage daughters this is affecting them terribly I will keep you in my prayers I hope that everything will work out for you and your family
I can tell you exactly what to do, Leave. Don't wait til your too old to find someone else. That is were I am now. They never change and you will constantly be living a life of misery wondering when is he going to crumble again. They do and they look for any reason to. There is something wrong with these people from the get go. They were not raised in a loving home with both parents that why the seek out the drug to soothe themselves. These people don't know how to love or feel they are hollow and empty and only know how to manipulate and use you. Believe I know. They will eventually make you soo physically, mentally ill that you will start to think your wrong, you're crazy. I beg you if I can help others then maybe it would help me. Find someone whole who deserves your love. No real normal person who loves you would make you hurt and suffer like this.
I have that same situation i want out I'm tired of this he goes to jail uses drugs lies all the time. And try to make me feel bad when i ask him about his lies and drug use i just want out.
Thanks so much for this advice
What sound I do if my fiancé is not stopping from getting high?
I am in this kind of situation now and it's been like this for the past six yrs. I want out I love him but I want out I don't know how to leave. Please help me!
Thank you so much for posting this! I have been put through the wringer for 13 years now. I have 2 kids that really a Dad that is COMPLETELY clean and sober. He sneaks around and lies and the worst part is, all he has to do is go visit his mom, step dad,sister, cousins, aunt, and uncle to get his dope. And a lot of times, it's been at my expense. I fear when my kids get older, they will be pushing it on them behind my back. Because, they think it is ok and there is nothing wrong with it. I want my kids to be more successful than me and never have a struggle. That is what I am pushing for. I know what their future will be if these people get their way. I'm sick of being "last". I'm sick of being lied to all the time and I am sick of being manipulated. Being told I have problems because I get so frustrated and upset. I am flat miserable. I have no family left. Just my two daughters. I have no one to talk to anymore.
I'm at the point where I know I need to do something, but I'm stuck. When you love and care so much for someone and only want what's best for them and just want a happy family, it makes choices very hard to make. I feel like I may just completely lose it before it's all said and done. And, the thing about it is, they wouldn't care at all.
Dear NB, I am am going through this very thing. I am 47 yo and have been with my now husband for 9 years. We have no children together but I have 2 other children from a previous marriage. I have been married to my husband now for 1 year but separated for most of that bcuz of his drug issues. This has hurt my children many times over bcuz I am afraid to be alone. I am very upset as I just dropped him off at a homeless shelter last night but not before I drove 3 hours one way to bring him to his sister's house only to be turned away with her stating that she will not allow him to stay not one night and I will pay for this. Not one of his family members will take him in but they all expect me to take care of him for the rest of his life. He has not worked one day in 9 years but has stolen from both me and my children numerous times. He makes me feel guilty for making him sleep in a homeless shelter as well as outside. I know I shouldn't feel bad for anyone but my children as this has been an on again off again relationship for too many years. How do I get past this?
I pray by now you have moved on from that man or he has begged forgiveness and gotten sober.
I came to this website because I have the same problem and I don't know how to handle it. My whole family except for my brothers are advising me to leave him and take my two kids. My two brothers want me to try for him to go to rehab and if it doesn't work, then I will leave. We had a long talk last night and I told him how much he is hurting us. He decided that he will go to rehab and try to work things out. I don't know. Im really stressed out. His mom is even attacking me saying that I turned my back on him because I left with my kids to visit family over the weekend because all I needed was time away. She even went and picked up the divorce papers so we can get divorced. What should I do?
Oh sweetheart, unfortunately, you are at a crossroads. As a loving wife, you did the right thing by talking to your husband and telling him that it can not go on like this. He has said that he will go to rehab, that is a very good step in the right direction.
This is the catch... you can NOT back down. If he does not go, you and the kids must. If he goes to rehab, be there for him. Let him know that you will always support him as long as he has the best interest of his wife and children at heart. Now, the hard part. If he doesn't go, or if he relaspes, you must separate from him. Go to your family, if you can. You will need there support and help. If not, stay with good friends.
This does not necessarily mean the end of your marriage, but he MUST know and believe with ALL his heart that you are serious about this. Then, the ball will be in his court either way and in your heart, you will know that you did all you could do for him yet at the same time you are putting the safty and well being of your sweet, young, vulnerable children first.
As for your mother-in-law... she seems the be transferring her own guilt, on to you. Maybe you can point out to her that if you can't be supportive of your husband while she is pushing divorce papers in your face. (I am sure that you can be more diplomatic than I am), and that you could really use her on board as a support for you, your husband and your kids. (BTW, going to your family to get the love, support and advice, great call). IF she still is a negative influence in your life (you so don't need that right now), distance youreslf from her as needed.
My sister could bring herself to ever fulfill an ultimatum to her (now, ex) husband (an addict) of 18 years. It brought her more pain in the long run than you can imagine. Be strong, pray, surround yourself with positve influences in your life, and do what needs to be done. May God bless you and guide you as you make the tough decisions necessary at this time.
I left my husband in May 2013 cause my husband would not stop using drugs after i spoke to him numerous times, we have a 10 month old baby, my husband became abusive and left out all the time and when he got a job he went awol and never gave me a blue cent and i have been supporting my baby since he was born, so i decided to leave and have not gone back ever since, its the best thing i have ever done for myself and my son,he does not even bother fighting or changing for us but he says he loves us, so i gave up trying, i have been cheating but he does not know about it, but it did not take the hurt away or satisfy me in any way, so i decided i need to live for my son and myself. Ladies do not hold on for the sake of your kids, drug abusers can become very dangerous, i went through it and took a step forward.
I left my husband in May 2013 cause my husband would not stop using drugs after i spoke to him numerous times, we have a 10 month old baby, my husband became abusive and slept out all the time and when he got a job he went awol and never gave me a blue cent and i have been supporting my baby since he was born, so i decided to leave and have not gone back ever since, its the best thing i have ever done for myself and my son,he does not even bother fighting or changing for us but he says he loves us, so i gave up trying, i have been cheating but he does not know about it, but it did not take the hurt away or satisfy me in any way, so i decided i need to live for my son and myself. Ladies do not hold on for the sake of your kids, drug abusers can become very dangerous, i went through it and took a step forward.
I have been in a 2o year realationship with my husband and have been waiting for him to change and stop using drugs and he is still using i wish i would have gottin out years ago we have 3 grown kids now and i feel like i should have left him when there were small and not put them through hell we have gone to NA I have threatened to leave take the kids i have thrown him out i have cheated i have tried everything to change him and it dont work what i have learned you can not change a person and drugs are way more powerfull than we are he has to want to stop using you or the kids can not make him stop i have been through hell because i choose to stay married i have wanted out for years but hung in there hoping he will stop and he does for a while but always returnes to lying and not coming home spending money we dont have making me provide what he should be doing you and your kids deserve better than that we dont want our children to grow up to be addicts or attract addicts try to offer him help and if he wants it than support him in every way and if he dont want help get out
Hi mm,
It's time to put you and your kids first. You are the mother of these children and they count on you to provide a safe and comfortable home. It's time for you to take a stand and tell him to get help or you are ending your relationship. Take a stand your family depends on you and this decision. You yourself get help for support through all this. Of course people here will be a strong support for you. But you need a place for yourself and your kids that feel safe too. Take care and keep us posted o.k. if you want.
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