So in 2009 I had my first baby. I've had GAD since I was 19, was on Effexor XR for a short time before getting pregnant, was off it during my pregnancy and despite being more worried than average, I had a great pregnancy and delivery. However I had horrible, constant panic attack anxiety directly after having my son. It was over everything and nothing. I also didn't feel bonded to my son.
After about 2 weeks of trying to battle it myself, I went to a psychiatrist and she put me on Paxil. From what I remember, the Paxil helped very much! I think within 2 weeks my anxiety was almost gone, but I sort of remember having side affects I didn't care for and decided to switch to Lexapro since I had been on it before as a teen for a short time and it worked great. So she started me on Lexapro and my anxiety got worse, but something new came up too. I was feeling extremely depressed. I started seeing the world as a horrible place, and how dare I bring a baby into this horrible place. I was having suicidal thoughts against my will! I did not want to die at all, but is have these scary urges like I had to. It was weird and scary, and my psychiatrist told me to just keep taking the 20mg and it will be gone by 8 weeks.
She was right, and by 8 weeks I felt so much better! I became inspired and excited to be a mom. I loved my son and my life. So much as that when he was 1.5 years old I decided to try and wean off it so we could try for another baby. Dr told me to go down to 15mg a day at first. And by the 6th day I was starting to lose motivation, starting to ask what the point in life was. So I went back up to 20mg and dr and I both decided to stay on my medication while pregnant.
I had a great 2nd pregnancy, and GREAT postpartum! No issues, LOVED my daughter! All the way until she was 13 months and it was time to move cause my husband was getting out of the military. We had to move to a new area because he was going to school, and big changes are my anxiety trigger. So the day we moved, my excitement turned to panic, fear, and wishing we never moved despite the greatness it was bringing us in the future.
Fast forward to after we moved, 4 days in our new area and I had anxiety but I was able to manage it and was still happy. Then switched to Celexa generic to save money because a different dr told me it was the same medication but much cheaper, and since we had no insurance that just seemed the way to go. I switched from 20mg lex to 49mg celexa like I was told, and within 2 weeks I was an emotional, depressed, and anxious freak. The celexa made me feel horrible! So at the 2 week mark I decided to pay the money and go back to my Lexapro.
That was 8 weeks ago. I had horrible start ups getting back on it, but like before each new week brought relief and by 6 weeks I was almost my old self again. Until 7 weeks I could sort of sense a decline. And now 8 weeks, along with added stress from things happening with my family, I'm declining bad. I'm back to being so depressed, not wanting to do anything, no joy in any of my usual interests, in fact almost pain from them.
I need to see a psychiatrist, I know. But it's Thanksgiving week so I don't think I'll be able to see anyone for over a week still. Plus no insurance so just going to have to pay the big bucks, but I have no choice.
Does this sound like lexapro just isn't working for me anymore? Also, if I never felt this depression before getting on it 4 years ago, if I tried getting off would there be a good chance I won't feel it off it? Or is my brain too dependent on it now?
