it because he said that my opiate receptors are not working. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it? I found an addiction psychiatrist a couple of months ago when I was down to 2 mgs. of subutex (same thing as suboxone without the naloxone in it). She had me admitted to the hospital immediately and they took me off of the subutex cold turkey and gave me neurontin and clonidine to help me with the withdrawls but I have never been so sick in all my life. I was in the hospital for 11 days and didn't get out of bed for 8 (only to use the bathroom). They released me after 11 days and had me start a day program for depression/anxiety the next day. I was happy to be home but still very sick and my family was supportive but didn't realize how sick I still was. The doctor told me to do things like go food shopping with my husband, go to dinner with my family, etc., plus it was Thanksgiving and Christmas was right around the corner and there were a lot of birthdays in my family and I had to to out to dinner to celebrate. I was home for 5 days and so nauseous that I took a suboxone just to see if that was why I was so sick and my nausea went away and I had lots of energy so I got a lot done that day. I promised myself I would not take anymore and I wish I would have flushed the pills down the toilet immediately but I was stupid and started taking them to get through going to Thanksgiving, dinner's and of course Christmas and even to make it to my class sometimes because I was just too sick and not ready to be in a class like that. I should have stayed in the hospital until I felt better. Now I've been taking 1/2 mg. almost everyday and I finally broke down and told my Mom last week and we went directly to my new psychiatrist for help. I had to make her promise not to tell my husband. We just spent $10,000.00 for me to get off this med and now I've wrecked everything. My husband is a wonderful man but has a very bad temper and if he ever finds out I'm afraid he'll leave me. I'm so afraid that I am right back to where I was when I went into the hospital and I just can't go through that again. My new psychiatrist gave me clonidine and neurontin for during the day but I still get horrible anxiety and have no energy without the suboxone. I promised my Mother that I didn't have anymore pills at home (I gave what I had with me to my psychiatrist and told her I had no more at home). Now, all week I've been taking the 1/2 mg of suboxone because I'm afraid my husband will see how sick I am and wonder what's going on and I have so much to do. Our oldest daughter who moved out 2 years ago with her boyfriend are looking to buy a house and I need to clean up her old room which I was using for storage and now there are bags of everything in there. This past March my dear Father passed away from a very rare type of cancer. He was only 66 years old. My Mother and I both took care of him for 6 months and I relied on those pills to get me through it. I still can't believe he is gone. I was so very close to him and I just keep pushing it out of my mind that he is gone. He knew I was taking the subutex and he wanted me to get off of it and get better. I never in my wildest dreams thought getting off of it was going to be this hard. When I was on it for 9 months I was able to wean myself off of it and everything came back. I really do not like the way the subutex or suboxone makes me feel. That's the problem. It doesn't make me feel. I was always very into music and very social but now I can't feel music and I don't even want to leave the house. I find no enjoyment in anything. I called my old psychiatrist who wanted me to make an appointment to talk to him (he doesn't take insurance so it cost me $160.00 for him to tell me that he prescribed this med to me off label because we had tried every antidepressant and nothing was working but when I told him I had taken hydrocodone sometimes for bad headaches and that it made me feel normal he decided that my problem was my opiate receptors which my new psychiatrist does not believe). He also said that suboxone is very easy to get off of and the reason why I was so sick in the hospital was because I'm like a diabetic who needs insulin and if I do not have the suboxone my body knows it needs it so I get sick. I refuse to stay on this for the rest of my life but can't get off of it. I did read somewhere that switching to another narcotic (maybe the hydrocodone) for a few weeks can help me to get off the suboxone but my psychiatrist will not give me that and now wants me to attend NA meetings because she thinks I'm an addict. I've been to a lot of meeting but they don't seem to help, plus a lot of the member's there are on suboxone and claim they are clean but all they've done was switch to another narcotic. I do believe that suboxone can be very helpful if someone is abusing narcotics or heroin but they also should be closely monitored and not be on the suboxone for more than a few months and then continue to go to NA meetings. I'm sorry this is so very long. I was thinking about ordering some hydrocodone off the internet but do not want to get in trouble or end up with something like a sugar pill. Has anyone ever ordered off the internet or heard of anyone else doing so and if so, did it turn out ok? Today I took a half mg. of the suboxone and feel ok and thought if I do this for a week then maybe I will be able to stop it again but if not I read somewhere that going back to what you tried first and then weening yourself off (within a couple weeks) can work also. What is tramadol and can that maybe be a substitute for the suboxone? I am so afraid and I just don't think I can handle another 17 + days of that nightmare of a withdrawl and how could I possibly cover that up from my family? Oh, I'm in so much trouble!!! If anyone has any advice I sure would appreciate it. Sincerely, Larsy1966